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Around the Family Table

Margaret Tyler

My mentor shared a practice with me that I embrace as a valuable tool when making preparation to preach. He said, “When I write a sermon, I visualize folks from our congregation seated around a large table.” He further explained that the folks at the table represent all age groups—including children. When he gets to a point in his preparation where he is ready to rehearse aloud, he imagines how the various groups who are represented at the table may receive the words from the message. I love that he includes children in this mental exercise!

We make a case too often in the Church for age-level learning (or age-level classrooms) as the most effective means by which a child’s faith is developed. While age-level learning has its purpose and value, intergenerational learning is a method that is at the very least, under-used. Let us be certain that we understand the term, “intergenerational,” as it will be used in this context. Intergenerational is being or occurring between generations.

When I was a little girl my family almost always shared an evening meal together. I have many good memories born out of time spent around a family table. These memories include laughing, story telling, and waiting for my turn to talk. They also include some practical life skills like, how to use a knife to cut up my meat, how to pass the potatoes to the left, and how to take considerate portions so seven other folks at the table get their fair share. At the family table I learned to use manners including, “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me.”

Some of the teaching that took place at the table was very intentional. I recall my mom saying almost nightly, “Please put your chair down on all four legs.” Or, my personal favorite, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” While these intentional instructions remain a strong guide—there is another guide that persists to lead me even though it originates primarily from unspoken, mostly inferred directives. For example, everyone was expected to be in their chair before we gave thanks and there was always enough food to invite a friend for dinner. When the relatives came, we extended the family table. When a baby was born into our household, we pulled a high chair to the table—even before the baby was able to participate by eating solids. When a family member was away, we still gathered. At times, we shared cake and ice cream in celebrations of a family member’s life.

As a child, I had no idea the level of shaping that was taking place at the family table. Nor did I understand that these foundational blocks would help shape my own home someday where we reproduced the family table with our children. Although our children are grown, when they return home, we tend to anticipate the times we will share at the family table.

Understanding the table in the traditions described above, it would seem ludicrous to say, “It is not beneficial to have children sitting at the family table. We will serve food they have never tasted and we will use words or tell stories they cannot understand. The children will likely speak out when it is not their turn; having them at the table will be a distraction for the older, well-versed members of the family. Instead, we will assign a representative who will take them to the kid’s table where they will learn at their own developmental level. When they have learned enough and matured in their faith, when they can sit reverently, they can join us at the family table.” It sounds crazy to say, but unfortunately, it is similar to the message we are selling in the Church.

Gathering for a service of worship in the Church is like gathering at the family table. When children have the privilege of not only observing but also participating, they will begin to identify their place at the table. Some of the learning will be very intentional through children’s sermons, children’s choirs, baptism, and communion. Other learning, no matter the size of a congregation, will be without spoken directives. For example:

A toddler learns while watching a couple who sits behind him each week. Not only do they smile and reach to the child, but the toddler watches as they lift their hands in praise and thanksgiving; listening as they voice a prayer and watching as they hold hands during the sermon. The toddler is being shaped in these moments in terms of what God “looks” like and how He lovingly responds. This is early faith development.

A seven-year-old “adopts” an older woman who sits in the second row. Each time the Church gathers he seeks her out. During the music her beautiful voice breaks into harmony. The seven year old presses his ear against her as she sings. Before long he is trying his voice at harmony. He learns to follow along with the words and soon they become familiar. By the time he is 16, he is singing with the alto section in the choir at his school and singing with a quartet at church! He cannot really remember where he learned to sing harmony but it has always been his favorite.

Each Sunday when the pastor leads the Lord’s Prayer or the church’s mission statement, over time, even the children who are pre-readers rehearse the words in their head. Through repetition they are able to commit the whole passage to memory. These are moments of significant learning where a child begins to feel ownership of the rituals taking place in a service of worship. With ownership; there is belonging!

There are things we can do at the family table to make it a great place for children to grow and learn. For example, children may help us prepare the meal, set the table, pour the milk, create a center-piece, lead in prayer, or answer a round of questions we ask everyone at the table, “Tell us about the best part of your day?” By making a place for children, they develop a stronger sense of belonging.

We can take intentional steps to create a place where children and families grow and learn in our worship gatherings. When these intentional steps become the norm for our churches, we will no longer view our children as a lure to get families in our building or as a spectacle used to entertain the crowd. Please do not misunderstand—it is a beautiful thing when children sing, but it should be surrounded by language that reminds the Church that when they sing, they are helping to lead us in worship. When kids light candles, receive the sacrament of Christian Baptism and come to the Table of the Lord it is great. None of these, however, are for our entertainment. A child’s leadership and participation is a fragrant offering to the Lord. The sooner our children embrace a sense of purpose and belonging at the “table,” their desire to remain will be greater.

Striving for excellence at the table is an important value many embrace, however, in our reach for excellence it is important to remember that when a child (or anyone) is giving their best, that is excellent! When we reserve a child’s participation (reading scripture, singing, leading prayer) for the less populated gatherings, there is an unspoken message at work. In the same way, when we encourage children to prepare well and to embrace the idea that, the gifts they bring will help the Church in our worship, we communicate a message of value.

What would it be like as you prepare your next sermon to visualize the children in your church sitting at the family table while asking yourself, “How will the elements of our worship gathering, shape the children?” The stain glass windows, the cross, the songs, the candles, the greeting time, and prayer at the altar. All of these will shape our children’s view of Christ and His Church. Then allowing the answers to serve as a springboard for what you will add, alter or remove from your sermon. You may also want to consider adding an advocate for children to your weekly planning time; someone who will serve as a voice to help you remember when children will be in the services. This is a helpful practice if children are present at the family table once a month each time you gather.

Encouraging the advocate to create a worship folder with questions or “think boxes” that is related to the message is a great way to help children engage. Asking the advocate to listen for poems of praise, Scripture memory and other gifts that a child may be willing to share will take the pressure off the preacher while helping us consistently remember the importance of inviting children to take part at the family table.

Margaret Tyler is children’s pastor at the Shawnee Church of the Nazarene in Shawnee, Kansas and the Kansas City District Children’s Pastor for the Kansas City district.