Printer Friendly VersionBill was born in 1910. He was the son of an alcoholic father. Bill’s
mom would actually lie for her husband when he was too drunk to get up and
go to work. Bill grew up, one of six children, in what authors would call
today a "dysfunctional family".
I remember when “maladjusted” was in style, but now “maladjusted”
is out-of-style. “Dysfunctional” is in style now. You know, when
I was a kid growing up we didn’t know those fancy words. We were just
messed-up, big time!
About age 18 Bill left home and got married. And he and his wife had a baby
boy. But before that boy was three years old, Bill’s wife died. Bill
married a second time, and in the first year he and his second wife had a
baby boy. But would you believe it? Before that second baby was one year old,
Bill’s second wife died.
That left him, less than 30 years of age, with two boys to raise. Then Bill
met Edith. She was born in 1922; she was 12 years younger than Bill. But she
had her own history of scars, wounds and abuse. She was her mom and dad’s
firstborn, but in her early childhood her mom and dad split up and had a divorce.
Soon the Depression came. Times were hard, jobs were scarce, and money was
rare. So, although she really didn’t want to do it, it seemed the best
option available to Edith’s mom was to put the little girl in the orphanage.
Edith spent from early childhood to early adolescence bouncing back and forth
between the orphanage and the home of an abusive aunt in a nearby town.
Later Edith’s mom remarried and had children from her second husband.
By the time Edith was in senior high school she was reintroduced into her
mom’s household. Although she was the oldest, she was an outsider, was
unwanted, and was subjected to verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse
and sexual abuse from her step-dad.
Bill and Edith got acquainted. As far as Edith could tell, Bill with his
two boys was a whole lot better deal than the abusive context of her mom’s
household. So they got married and did the only thing they knew how to do.
They continued to live in a vulgar, violent, mean, raw, abusive, dysfunctional
family.
I am Bill and Edith’s third child. I grew up in a home where there was
physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do you
handle the negative effects of chronic abuse?
Chronic abuse forms what has been called "toxic shame". What’s
that? Oh, it’s different from "healthy shame". Well, what might
that be? Healthy shame was functioning quite well when as a schoolboy I stole
a candy bar from the corner drug store. And healthy shame, the God-planted
conscience down inside, said: "Norman, what you did was bad and wrong".
Thank God for healthy shame, a conscience He gave us to thwart and retard
wrong behavior. You know, as crazy as this world is, just think what it would
be like if we didn’t have a conscience to influence our behavior! While
healthy shame says "What you did was bad and wrong", toxic shame
says "You are bad and wrong". It left me with a miserably low self
esteem .
Chronic abuse and toxic shame manifest themselves in self-sabotaging, wounding,
defeating behavior. Have you ever known an alcoholic, or chain-smoker, or
drug addict? What are they saying with that behavior? I think they’re
saying "I’m miserable and frustrated, but I found this stuff to
temporarily take my mind off how bad I hurt inside". It’s just a
few examples of using some external substance to distract from unresolved
discomfort.
Have you ever heard of "food addiction"? Have you ever caught yourself
standing in front of an open refrigerator, ten minutes after dinner, and asked
yourself, "What in the world am I doing here?" Have you heard of
"shop-aholism?” Did you know there are some folks who can’t
get through the day without going to the Mall, hooked on their plastic charge
cards? Sometimes, I know not always, but sometimes the inner motivation is
"Well, I don’t know what I’m looking for, but it might be on
sale and give me a bit of a boost, because down inside I feel like a double
zero.” It’s just another way to appease troubled emotions.
Here’s another one: How many men are hooked on pornography and its accompanying
sexual compulsive and addictive behaviors?
How do you handle the negative effects of chronic abuse and the resultant
toxic shame? Face it. Forgive it. And forge ahead.
"In the same way the Spirit helps in our weakness. We do not know what
we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans
that words cannot express. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of
the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with
God’s will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of
those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans
8:26-28). "What shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who
can be against us?" (Romans 8:31).
How do you handle the negative effects of chronic abuse and its resultant
toxic shame? First, face it; but realize that you don’t have to face
it alone. According to God’s Word He is for you!
The Holy Spirit intercedes for you. Jesus Christ, God’s Son, seated
at the right hand of the Father, also intercedes for you. And God Himself
causes all things to work together for the good if indeed you love Him and
are called according to His purpose.
How about you? Was there physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse?
Here’s another one: Was there religious abuse? What’s that? Any
teaching or preaching that is unbiblical, either extremely conservative, perfectionistic
legalism, or liberal worldliness, constitutes religious abuse.
Face it. Quit living in denial. Whatever happened, happened. But realize
you don’t have to face it alone. God is for you!
Next we need to forgive it. Realize that’s not a quick-fix; it’s
a process. These wounds did not accumulate overnight, and they do not disappear
overnight. Forgiveness is a process. "Get rid of all bitterness, rage
and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind
and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ
God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31-31).
Is there someone in your past, or in your current day, whom you need to forgive? You cannot afford the luxury of a grudge. It will hurt you more than anyone else.
Forgiveness is not like a quick-zap microwave oven. It’s like a slow-simmer,
all-day-long crock pot. But you have to get things cookin’ sooner or
later!
We have a problem with this. We live in a very impulsive and impatient age.
We like instant cash from a bank teller machine. We like fast food from a
drive-up window. We like microwave popcorn. And even in church we’re
preconditioned to twenty seconds at the altar and two Kleenex and everything
is fixed and we all live happily ever after!
Do you have any idea how I felt when as a thirteen-year-old, in 7th grade,
I was trying to be a born-again, sanctified, Spirit-filled disciple of the
Lord Jesus Christ. But I had "four flat tires" spiritually. One
day in gym class I went up to my P.E. coach and said, "Coach, I can’t
suit up for gym today. I think I’ve got the flu!.” The truth was
that I was just lying because I didn’t want to put on gym shorts and
a T-shirt in front of the other classmates and have them see the belt stripes
everywhere from the whipping the night before.
The Lord has escorted me all the way from white-hot anger to a current posture
of "no hard feelings". It’s over. It’s forgiven. They
did the best they could for who they were and where they were coming from.
Is there someone you need to forgive?
According to Ephesians 4:32 we are to forgive "just as in Christ God
forgave you". That means in the same quantitative and qualitative that
God forgave us, we are to forgive others.
I think forgiveness is like pulling the plug in the bath tub. Have you ever
watched the water leave the tub when you pull the plug? It swirls, it circles,
it bubbles and gurgles. But eventually the old, dirty bathwater subsides.
To forgive you need to pull the plug sooner or later. Maybe now would be a
good time to start the process of forgiving!
But, once we face it and get forgiveness in process, we’re not finished.
We have to forge ahead and take responsibility for our own behavior and the
residual consequences of our choices.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made
perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold
of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But
one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward
in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:12-14).
The good news is that you are not stuck where you are. You can forge ahead.
And by that I mean change lanes and go around the wreck of the past and put
the mess of the yesterdays in your rear-view mirror. Get on down the road
and be a blessing to someone else.
And as you choose to forge ahead, something wonderful happens. The Holy Spirit
develops in you a keen eye, a sensitive ear, a sense of smell and a tender
heart. And the Lord will network you with someone who’s "hurtin’
for certain". And you’ll discover that He uses you to become a "wounded
healer".
You’ll catch yourself by surprise in a conversation and say, "I
think I know where you’re coming from. I’ve been in a similar situation.
Let me share with you how the Lord helped me and gave me victory.” You
will discover that God uses you to be the tow-truck that pulls someone else
out of the ditch! You’re not stuck where you’ve been. You can face
it, forgive it, and forge ahead.
You and I cannot spend the rest of our lives pouting and feeling sorry for
ourselves and blaming all of our sins, habits and hang-ups on some wounding
perpetrator from our past.
Imagine a man who was a million dollars in debt. If he went to church and
was saved and sanctified, he would still be a million dollars in debt. He’d
still have a problem to work on! And if a bus-kid from an unchurched home
(like myself), who was run over by a truck emotionally, went to church and
was saved and sanctified, he would still be a hurting kid who had a problem
to work on.
Have you ever seen a stray dog that looked like it had been hit by a car
and was just limping around on three legs, holding up the right front paw?
It seemed that no one cared for it or tried to get it some help.
Well, I’m afraid that there are folks like that in the church. They
have been run over emotionally in the past and never got it fixed. They’re
saved and sanctified; they pay their tithe and sing in the choir. They teach
a class and serve on the Board, but they’ve been wounded in the past
and never got it fixed.
The good news is that you can face it, forgive it and forge ahead!
Face it, Forgive it and Forge ahead.
For some of us, in our past there’s pain and much abuse.
The hurt is great and scars are deep, and we wonder, "What’s the
use?"
Anger boils down deep inside from suffering in our past.
Sometimes we react in harmful ways, needing victory that will last.
We read and pray and seek advice, trying hard to cope.
How do we handle our abusive past? Is there any hope?
Face it, forgive it, and forge ahead, His Spirit comes to say.
We can recover from old hurt and enter a brand new day!
To face the hurt and forgive the wrongs is not an easy task.
But only then can we forge ahead to real victory that will last!
