September 12, 2004

Love@home.com

Key Scripture: Ephesians 5:21-6:4

Supportive Scriptures: 2 Timothy 1:5-7; Colossians 3:18-21; 1 Peter 3:7 et. al.

Background Information:

At times, we are under pressure not to talk about mothers, fathers, family life, etc. because there are fears that those from troubled families will take offence or feel marginalized. However, it would be tragic if the church failed to hold up models of what a home can be when Christ and Scripture are at the center of it’s life and relationships.

In a society like ours, the only place most people will learn what a Christian marriage, family, and home look like will be by looking at ours. (And for those of us who preach, we must be aware of our responsibility to be models in these areas for the congregation.) It is important, then, that grace and love be found at home.

The Introduction

Dr. Dennis Kinlaw (Methodist Old Testament scholar) made the point that creation wasn’t finished until the “marriage” of Adam and Eve. Human history began with a wedding and it will end with the marriage supper of the Lamb. “Small wonder,” he said, “that Jesus’ first miracle was at a wedding.”

Wesleyan General Superintendent of the Caribbean, Dr. Wingrove Taylor, speaking from the parable of the sheep and the goats and “inasmuch as you have done it to the least of these,” stated that how we treat those at home is the measure of how we treat God.

Let’s face it. The family is one of the most important things we’ve got. If things are bad at work but fine at home, we can handle it. But if things are fine at work, and fine financially but bad at home, then life is miserable. Even though we all would acknowledge this truth, the reality often is that our family gets the leftovers of our time, the dregs of our energy, and the worst sides of our personalities. Home deserves and demands better. Those we love and rely on the most deserve at least as good as we give to colleagues at work and strangers on the street.

The Body

Our text for today begins with the idea of mutual submission and examines the relationships in our homes. Before examining the particular truths of this passage, let’s look at the broader place of the family in Scripture.

1. When God created the world, He established the family.

2. When God gave the law, He protected the family.

A. He protected the marriage relationship --
“Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

B. He protected the parent-child relationship –
“Honor thy father and thy mother.”

3. When God wanted to reveal Himself, He often used the images of the family.

A. His name - Is 9:6 - His name shall be
- Mt 6:9 - Our Father

B. His relationship - Jer 31:9 Israel's Father
- Jer 3:14 - I am your husband
- NT - II Co 6:17 (Quoting OT)

C. His mercy - Ps 103:13 - Like as a father
- Is 66:13 - As a Mother comforts

D. His generosity - Mt 7:11 - How much more

E. His discipline - Heb 12:7 – Like a father

F. Relationships
Ours to God - Gal 4:7 - Father and children
Jesus to God - Jn 10:30 - Father & Son
Jesus to church - Ep 5:25 - Bride and Groom

G. Salvation - Jn 1:12 - Children of God
- Jn 3:3 - Born again

H. Close of history - Re 21:9 - Marriage Supper

I. Place the Kingdom - Mt 19:14 – As children

J. Parables:
Wedding Feast
Prodigal Son
The King's Son
The Ten Virgins

4. When God wanted to invade our world, He entered a family.

A. Jesus came as a child, not an adult

B. It was a two-parent family (While not always possible, both parents are needed.)

C. It was a family with siblings (though we shouldn’t make too much of this)

D. Jesus obeyed his parents - Lk 2:51
and cared for his mother - Jn 19:26

God must think that families are pretty important. So should we. Therefore, we look at today’s text with seriousness. It begins with Ephesians 4:21 – the verse we examined last week when we talked about relationships at work. This idea of mutual submission – of focusing on our responsibilities rather than our rights, must be applied at home as well. And it affects both basic relationships at home – between spouses and between parents and children.

THE MARITAL RELATIONSHIP

(I write this as a male – a husband and a father. A female pastor would need to reverse the wording and personalize this.)

Paul makes the general text more specific. “Wives submit to your husbands.” We men love to quote that verse -- especially in the middle of a marital disagreement. But that verse isn't written to me. That verse is written to my wife. There are federal laws against opening other people's mail.

My verse is v. 25. “Husband, (Use your name.) love your wife (or use her name) with as much love, and with the kind of love, that Christ had for the Church -- the kind of love that is willing to give yourself up for her.” That is my responsibility. It is in that same spirit of mutual submission. I never have the right to quote v. 22 at my wife. That is her responsibility. Nor is she to throw v. 25 in my face. Verse 22 is her area of responsibility. If we would both concentrate on fulfilling those responsibilities rather that demanding our rights, life would be transformed.

Suppose that my wife and I have a disagreement. I do not have the right to back myself off in the corner and mutter under my breath, “She's wrong. She knows she's wrong. And I have the right to an apology. There's no use talking to her while she's in a mood like this so she can sit there and stew until she is ready to admit that I'm right!”

Nor does my wife have the right to go off to her corner and mutter, “He always thinks he's right! Well this is one time that I'm not going to let him get away with it. I'm not talking until he comes down off his high horse and admits for once that he was wrong. I'm not hungry anyway, so if he wants to eat he can fix his own supper!”

No, I do not have the right to demand my rights. Mutual submission and The Principle (The Christian say of living is not to demand my rights, but to fulfill my responsibilities) require that I fulfill my responsibility to be the peacemaker -- to be the one to build the bridge and to mend the relationship -- even to accept the blame if necessary. Now since my wife is also dedicated to living by these principles, she has the same responsibility. If both of us put those principles into action -- if both of us try to beat each other to the apology rather than to the punch, how long do you think that disagreement would last? Not long I assure you. (I asked that question of a non-Christian friend once when we were discussing this issue and he replied, “Not long at all. And if everybody lived that way, there wouldn't be any divorce!” He was catching on!)

As a husband, I recognize that my wife has a number of rights:

Rights to security
Rights to my companionship and affection
Rights to assistance in parenting
Rights to help in managing the home
Rights to spiritual fellowship & leadership
Rights to sexual fulfillment
Rights to emotional stability
Rights to privacy
Rights to affirmation
Now look at the beauty of this.
If I fulfill all of my responsibilities to my wife,
all of her rights are taken care of.
And if she fulfills all her responsibilities to me,
all my rights are taken care of.
Both of us have all of our rights and needs met --
and without any demanding, bitterness, or resentment.

What a difference that can make in the atmosphere around the house and the nature of our relationships!

You see, living by “the principle” (mutual submission and fulfilling responsibilities) creates the atmosphere for love and appreciation -- not bitterness and resentment. I wonder how many unsaved spouses would be won to the Lord more quickly if the Christian spouse would quit demanding rights and start fulfilling the responsibilities of a Christian husband or wife? (There is more on this topic in Appendix A.)THE PARENTAL RELATIONSHIP
Paul is not content to apply this principle to the marital relationship. He also applies it to the parent-child relationship. (Oh how we love to use this one!)

“Children, obey your parents.” (6:1)

That's not my mail! Not in my role as father. (Although it is in my role as a child.)

My responsibility is described in verse 4 --
“Fathers, don't drive your kids crazy.”

I'll be far more successful as a parent if I will concentrate on fulfilling my responsibilities instead of demanding my rights from a resistant child.

And my children must avoid the temptation to use verse 4. Their responsibility is given in verse 1. They are prone to demand their rights. And while it is my duty as a parent to help them learn how to fulfill their responsibilities, it must not be done in a way that is in reality only a disguised manner of demanding my own rights.

How many homes would be totally transformed if both parents and children began to live by “The Principle” and fulfilled the responsibility to help, to listen, to understand, to forgive, and to love?

The Conclusion

We must understand, then, that God created the family. He protected it by His commandments. We used family images to reveal Himself to us. He entered a home like ours to incarnate Himself in our world. And He filled His Word with scores of guidelines for family living.

In our text, Paul teaches us that one of those guidelines is to live on the basis of filling our responsibilities to each other, rather than demanding our rights from each other.

Our families may come in many sizes, styles, and shapes. We may not all have happy fairytale families. But whatever they may have been – however broken they may have become – however perfect we may think they already are – God wants to nurture them and enrich them.

That brings us to some pretty difficult questions to ask ourselves at the end of this service and at the beginning of this week.

1. Could God use my family as an example of his relationship with humanity?

2. Could God use our marriage as an example of Christ’s love and care
for the church?

3. Could He use my fatherhood as an example of Himself?

(What I am as a father may well set the limits of my children’s
understanding of the Fatherhood of God.)

4. If God were looking for a family to which He could entrust his only Son,
could he choose our family and do it with confidence?

These questions are in many ways unfair. But somewhere, God found families He could point to. Somewhere He found Mary and Joseph. In reality, He is still looking for those examples in you and in me!

Possible Songs:
SL # 729 When Love is Found
SL # 727 A Christian Home
SL # 726 Find Us Faithful
Family Prayer Song (As for Me and My House)

Additional thoughts and exercises
We can't build a strong nation or church on weak homes.
We can't build a strong home without God.
Nurture Your Marriage
Take time for each other
Make your spouse a priority of your life
Never give your spouse reason to doubt your fidelity
Nurture Your Children -- also spiritually
Don’t be what you don’t want them to become
Don’t say what you don’t want to hear from them
Follow the Deuteronomy Model (chapter 6)
Teach them Principles, not just Rules
Lead them to Jesus
Communicate Love using all the “Love Languages” (See the books of Gary Chapman.)
Give Children Affirmation and Worth
They’ll do anything in the world to get it somewhere else if you don’t!
Stop Demanding your rights and fulfill your responsibilities
Build your home on
God’s Love
God’s Values
God’s Word
God’s House

Prayer time --
Take spouse by the hand or join your family in a circle.
Pray for each other, your marriage, your children.
Do you need to invite Jesus into your heart and home?
Make a concerted, conscious effort this week to do something that God has prompted you to do
during this message.