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Printer Friendly VersionConflicts are commonplace. One author asks: “What is a
conflict?” He then answers his own question, “A conflict is an emotional
collision. It is stress caused by incompatible desires or demands. It is what
occurs when we have two or more impulses in competition with one another.
The stronger the impulse, the greater the tension. The greater the tension,
the louder the collision.”
The names of two brothers, Jacob and Esau are synonymous with
conflict on a regular basis. The boys were fighting even within their mother’s
womb (Gen. 25:22). A struggle developed as they were born (v.24-26). As they
grew, their obvious personality traits differed dramatically. The impetuousness
of Esau versus the cunning patience of Jacob put them on a collision course
for years (v.27-34). Jacob’s deception of his father Isaac would cause
Esau to hate him further, even to the point of wanting him dead.
Conflict today is no different than our ancestors’ conflict.
It still occurs between spouses, children and parents, siblings, employers
and employees, pastor and laity, as well as laity versus laity. Reasons for
conflict abound everywhere! Those reasons include: ridicule, criticism, rejection,
gossip, threat, misunderstanding, inattentiveness, greed, hatred, miscommunication,
and lack of acceptance, to name a few. The consequences of conflict range
from mild to jalapeño hot! They include hurt, frustration, judgment,
separation, divorce, abuse, feelings of dehumanization, murder, war, and more!
What causes such conflict…and what can be done to heal
rifts caused by such conflicts?
Jacob and Esau were competing from birth and before! Rather
than being dealt with when they were children, the competition was allowed
to grow unhindered. One can only imagine what life was like for Isaac and
Rebekah when they hit the teen years as their conflict festered. By the time
of adulthood, it was open warfare!
Jacob and Esau provide a classic case of conflict allowed to
grow to an extreme. They did everything to hurt one another.
Elmer Bendiner relates a true story that happened to him during
World War II. He and a few other air force personnel were aboard their B-17
bomber, the Tondelayo. During a run over Kassel, Germany, the plane was shelled
by Nazi anti-aircraft guns. On this flight the fuel tanks were hit, but unbelievably
the plane did not explode. The next morning the pilot, Bohn Fawkes, asked
the crew chief for the shell that struck them as a souvenir to celebrate their
good luck.
Bohn was told that there was not just one shell, but eleven
shells that struck the plane!
The shells were sent to the specialists to be defused. As the
men were defusing the shells, they discovered that there was no explosive
charge in any of the shells. One of the shells, however, contained a carefully
rolled piece of paper. On it was written in the Czech language: “This
is all we can do for you now.” The miracle had not been one of misfired
shells, but of peace-loving Czech hearts.
If Esau and Jacob’s dislike could have been defused in
the beginning, a different story could have been written of their lives!
If conflict is damaging a relationship with someone, take action
now to defuse it before it explodes. The longer it is allowed to fester, the
more hurt it will cause. What a tragedy that Isaac and Rebekah could not have
helped their two boys develop closer ties to one another while they were younger.
But that suggests another source of conflict that happens even today.
Rather than bringing the twin boys together, the parents played
them against one another, accelerating their rivalry (v.28).
Charles Swindoll writes about the two boys who could not have
been more different. “Esau was rugged, strong, and masculine. He was
a hunter. He was even hairy. He liked to go out in the field and bring back
the venison. And how his dad loved him! Jacob? Well, he hung around the kitchen
with mom. He liked to cook more than hunt. Esau was a black-and-white kinda
guy. Not Jacob. He was a deceiver type. He even managed to rip off his brother’s
birthright. By the way, while Isaac preferred Esau, Jacob was his mom’s
favorite. How common! When you have a child that’s like you, it is so
easy to make that one your favorite. Without even realizing it, that’s
the one you pour your life into; that’s the one to whom you give more
of your time, which only complicates the conflict.”
Others can take a small conflict and enlarge it to a bigger
problem. A thoughtless word, an unhealthy comparison, or a negative comment
can add fuel to the flame, causing a full-scale Mt. Vesuvius volcanic eruption
to the conflict. A third party could instead be a healing agent through a
positive word, upbeat thought, or loving concern that could ease the tension.
Do you encourage eruptions or healing?
The infamous story of Esau selling his birthright for a bowl
of soup is an example of taking advantage of a brother in a moment of weakness…and
stupidity! What a foolish choice he made that day. God had promised Jacob
his place of leadership; it was unnecessary for him to take matters into his
own hands, but Jacob did it anyway. All Jacob managed to do was increase the
level of rivalry and conflict with his brother.
Have you ever let your own selfish desires dictate your behavior?
Has it created a wedge as wide as the Royal Gorge between you and another
person? What are some ways to bridge the gap?
*A willingness to swallow your pride and reach out in love.
*A willingness to change your attitude. When dealing with conflict,
check your attitude toward the other person and discover the real reason(s)
for your feelings.
*A willingness to humble yourself. The conflict might involve
a power struggle. Who has more might than the other person? Humility should
be enlisted to diffuse the conflict. Philippians 2:3 states, “Do nothing
out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better
than yourselves” (NIV). Martin Luther wrote, “God created the world
out of nothing. And so long as we are nothing, He can make something out of
us.”
*A willingness to be a positive encourager. There are times
that unplanned encouragement happens…a spontaneous word, a pat on the
back, a shaking of the hand, or a hug all lend themselves to encouragement.
But there are also planned moments like writing an e-mail, penning a card,
thinking through the right words to say, sharing a smile, or making a phone
call often make a huge difference in conflict management.
Someone once told the story about a little girl who fell down
on a concrete sidewalk and bruised her knee. She said to her mother, “Wouldn’t
it be nice if all the world was cushioned?”
We can help cushion the blows of the world by dealing with conflicts. There is a happy ending to this story! Esau and Jacob finally ended their fussing and feuding but it took time, distance, and God to halt their cycle. Think how different the story would have been if their personal conflict had not engulfed their lives. How different would it be for you and the person you are having conflict with if you ended the war now?