January 23, 2005

Conflict: A Collision Course of Life

Text: Genesis 25:19-34

Conflicts are commonplace. One author asks: “What is a conflict?” He then answers his own question, “A conflict is an emotional collision. It is stress caused by incompatible desires or demands. It is what occurs when we have two or more impulses in competition with one another. The stronger the impulse, the greater the tension. The greater the tension, the louder the collision.”

The names of two brothers, Jacob and Esau are synonymous with conflict on a regular basis. The boys were fighting even within their mother’s womb (Gen. 25:22). A struggle developed as they were born (v.24-26). As they grew, their obvious personality traits differed dramatically. The impetuousness of Esau versus the cunning patience of Jacob put them on a collision course for years (v.27-34). Jacob’s deception of his father Isaac would cause Esau to hate him further, even to the point of wanting him dead.

Conflict today is no different than our ancestors’ conflict. It still occurs between spouses, children and parents, siblings, employers and employees, pastor and laity, as well as laity versus laity. Reasons for conflict abound everywhere! Those reasons include: ridicule, criticism, rejection, gossip, threat, misunderstanding, inattentiveness, greed, hatred, miscommunication, and lack of acceptance, to name a few. The consequences of conflict range from mild to jalapeño hot! They include hurt, frustration, judgment, separation, divorce, abuse, feelings of dehumanization, murder, war, and more!

What causes such conflict…and what can be done to heal rifts caused by such conflicts?

I. What May Start Small Can Grow to an Enormous Problem!

Jacob and Esau were competing from birth and before! Rather than being dealt with when they were children, the competition was allowed to grow unhindered. One can only imagine what life was like for Isaac and Rebekah when they hit the teen years as their conflict festered. By the time of adulthood, it was open warfare!

Jacob and Esau provide a classic case of conflict allowed to grow to an extreme. They did everything to hurt one another.

Elmer Bendiner relates a true story that happened to him during World War II. He and a few other air force personnel were aboard their B-17 bomber, the Tondelayo. During a run over Kassel, Germany, the plane was shelled by Nazi anti-aircraft guns. On this flight the fuel tanks were hit, but unbelievably the plane did not explode. The next morning the pilot, Bohn Fawkes, asked the crew chief for the shell that struck them as a souvenir to celebrate their good luck.

Bohn was told that there was not just one shell, but eleven shells that struck the plane!

The shells were sent to the specialists to be defused. As the men were defusing the shells, they discovered that there was no explosive charge in any of the shells. One of the shells, however, contained a carefully rolled piece of paper. On it was written in the Czech language: “This is all we can do for you now.” The miracle had not been one of misfired shells, but of peace-loving Czech hearts.

If Esau and Jacob’s dislike could have been defused in the beginning, a different story could have been written of their lives!

If conflict is damaging a relationship with someone, take action now to defuse it before it explodes. The longer it is allowed to fester, the more hurt it will cause. What a tragedy that Isaac and Rebekah could not have helped their two boys develop closer ties to one another while they were younger. But that suggests another source of conflict that happens even today.

II. Sometimes a Third Person Contributes to Conflict.

Rather than bringing the twin boys together, the parents played them against one another, accelerating their rivalry (v.28).

Charles Swindoll writes about the two boys who could not have been more different. “Esau was rugged, strong, and masculine. He was a hunter. He was even hairy. He liked to go out in the field and bring back the venison. And how his dad loved him! Jacob? Well, he hung around the kitchen with mom. He liked to cook more than hunt. Esau was a black-and-white kinda guy. Not Jacob. He was a deceiver type. He even managed to rip off his brother’s birthright. By the way, while Isaac preferred Esau, Jacob was his mom’s favorite. How common! When you have a child that’s like you, it is so easy to make that one your favorite. Without even realizing it, that’s the one you pour your life into; that’s the one to whom you give more of your time, which only complicates the conflict.”

Others can take a small conflict and enlarge it to a bigger problem. A thoughtless word, an unhealthy comparison, or a negative comment can add fuel to the flame, causing a full-scale Mt. Vesuvius volcanic eruption to the conflict. A third party could instead be a healing agent through a positive word, upbeat thought, or loving concern that could ease the tension. Do you encourage eruptions or healing?

III. Sometimes Selfishness Can Add to the Conflict.

The infamous story of Esau selling his birthright for a bowl of soup is an example of taking advantage of a brother in a moment of weakness…and stupidity! What a foolish choice he made that day. God had promised Jacob his place of leadership; it was unnecessary for him to take matters into his own hands, but Jacob did it anyway. All Jacob managed to do was increase the level of rivalry and conflict with his brother.

Have you ever let your own selfish desires dictate your behavior? Has it created a wedge as wide as the Royal Gorge between you and another person? What are some ways to bridge the gap?

*A willingness to swallow your pride and reach out in love.

*A willingness to change your attitude. When dealing with conflict, check your attitude toward the other person and discover the real reason(s) for your feelings.

*A willingness to humble yourself. The conflict might involve a power struggle. Who has more might than the other person? Humility should be enlisted to diffuse the conflict. Philippians 2:3 states, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (NIV). Martin Luther wrote, “God created the world out of nothing. And so long as we are nothing, He can make something out of us.”

*A willingness to be a positive encourager. There are times that unplanned encouragement happens…a spontaneous word, a pat on the back, a shaking of the hand, or a hug all lend themselves to encouragement. But there are also planned moments like writing an e-mail, penning a card, thinking through the right words to say, sharing a smile, or making a phone call often make a huge difference in conflict management.

Someone once told the story about a little girl who fell down on a concrete sidewalk and bruised her knee. She said to her mother, “Wouldn’t it be nice if all the world was cushioned?”

We can help cushion the blows of the world by dealing with conflicts. There is a happy ending to this story! Esau and Jacob finally ended their fussing and feuding but it took time, distance, and God to halt their cycle. Think how different the story would have been if their personal conflict had not engulfed their lives. How different would it be for you and the person you are having conflict with if you ended the war now?