The first biblical reference to marriage, and God’s intention
for it, is set forth very early in the creation story. From the beginning
of time human beings have intuitively known that we have been made for intimacy,
not isolation. Adam (the Hebrew word for humankind) was created in the image
of God, and thus with a desire for relationship. In God’s mercy, both
male and female were created for the multiple purposes of companionship, support,
and procreation.
A prescription of clearly defined roles for husband and wife
is not explicit in the Scriptures. But what is crystal clear is a strong emphasis
on the equality of men and women (Galatians 3:28-29), and a description of
how God has called them to live together. “Both male and female are believed
to be created equally in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), and in the marital
relationship they are expected to exercise a mutual helpfulness (Genesis 2:18).
Where this is not the case and women are dominated by males, such subordination
is considered to be the result of sin (Genesis 3:16)” (Elizabeth Achtemeier,
Preaching About Family Relationships [Philadelphia: Westminster Press, 1987],
60).
Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection was the in-breaking
of the kingdom of God to reverse sin’s curse and restore the creation
back to God’s original intent. In a strong admonition, Paul refers back
to the Genesis account and suggests that marriage is to reflect the mystery
of the nourishing, cherishing union between Christ and His Church (Ephesians
5:32). The primary way that union is reproduced is through the mutual act
of “submit[ting] to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians
5:21, NIV, etc.). Everything following that clarion call is only descriptive
of how mutual submission is to be lived out in marriage.
Faithful preachers must guard against a reading of this text
that violates God’s design for marriage in any way. One partner in subordination
to another is not an accurate reading of Ephesians 5. With the apostle Paul,
we affirm that in spite of old paradigms, post-Resurrection Christians are
called to faithful living in light of God’s new order.
Marriage, as defined by Mr. Webster, has taken some interesting
turns over the years. Here are a few examples:
1828—“A civil and religious contract, instituted by
God, binding a man and woman in marital fidelity until death. It is honorable
and the bed undefiled (Hebrews 13).”
1975—“The state of being married; wedlock; the institution
whereby men and women are joined in a special kind of social and legal dependence.”
1992—The following was added to that definition: “An
intimate living arrangement without legal sanction; a trial marriage. Any
intimate association or union.”
And thus speaks our culture about the evolving definition of
marriage. Wherever you turn today the picture of marriage in our society is
not pretty. Not when roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. Not when
Barna statistics indicate that cohabitation has increased by 443 percent since
1970. And not when children today face at least an even chance of growing
up in a single-parent household.
Because of those amazing statistics we are now protecting ourselves
against what many in our society believe to be the inevitable failure of marriage
by the increasingly popular “prenuptial agreement” (a fancy term
for “I’m protecting my assets for when our marriage falls apart”).
Before they say, “I do,” more and more couples are
negotiating premarital contracts that spell out what they will and won’t
do, what they’ll share and won’t share, and what they’ll pay
and won’t pay. Prenuptial agreements are now recognized in all 50 states
in America, and matrimonial attorneys are preparing five times as many today
as they were just five years ago. Gail Koff, a partner in the law firm Jacoby
and Myers, writes: “These couples understand that their marriage is a
business proposition.” And so no decision is left undecided beforehand,
including the New York City couple who were so determined to divide their
expenses equally that their contract stipulated they would split the $3 toll
when crossing the George Washington Bridge. There was also the couple that
signed on the dotted line over who would take out the garbage and who would
wash the dishes.
But business alone does not a marriage make. What our society
teaches about marriage is not what the Bible teaches about marriage. And the
truth is our culture has so altered our understanding of marriage that it’s
difficult at times for us to even read accurately what God’s Word says
about marriage. As a result we have tended to project the distortions of our
culture into our reading of the Bible, until today even “Christian”
marriage finds itself in a confused state.
We need a new definition of marriage beyond Mr. Webster. We
need God’s Word to renew and redirect our vision for Christian marriage.
What is God’s plan, God’s definition, God’s ideal
for Christian marriage? In Ephesians 5 the apostle Paul provides us with some
guiding principles for God’s ideal. But before we can look at verse 21,
we have to find out what’s already been talked about in this passage.
Let’s look at the sequence.
Paul begins chapter 5 with these words: “Be imitators of
God . . . as dearly loved children and live a life of love (agape¯),
just as Christ loved (agapao¯) us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant
offering and sacrifice to God.”
Paul is wanting us to make clear that our goal as Christians
is to live a life of agape¯, as modeled in Jesus Christ’s self-giving,
sacrificial, serving ministry. The remainder of the Epistle offers descriptive
ways to imitate Jesus Christ in every relationship of our lives.
We are to imitate Christ in the way we treat our brothers and
sisters in Christ, in the way husbands treat their wives, in the way wives
treat their husbands, in how parents respond to their children, in how children
respond to their parents, and in Paul’s culture, even how slaves were
to respond to their masters. Every relationship in our lives is to come under
the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Paul sums it up by saying that the way we do
that is by being Christlike to one another!
But Paul also knows that we cannot be “imitators of Christ”
by our own grit or determination. He knows we can’t just decide one day:
“You know, I think I’ll love my wife as Christ would love her today.”
We are unable to do that in our own power, because Jesus Christ has to love
them through us!
And that’s why Paul says in verse 18: “Be filled with
the Spirit.” Who’s Spirit? The Spirit of the living Lord Jesus loving
through us.
Paul goes on to describe what the Spirit-filled life looks like
in verses 19-21: “Speak[ing] to one another [in grace-filled ways] .
. . mak[ing] music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks . . . for
everything . . . [and] submit[ting] to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Now let’s stop right there. What is Paul trying to say?
We are to be imitators of God by modeling Jesus’ self-giving love (agape¯).
And how are we to do that? By being filled with the Spirit, which expresses
itself by being people of grace, living a life of gratitude to God, and submitting
to one another out of reverence for Christ.
You say: “What does that have to do with a Christian definition
of marriage?” Paul seems to think it has everything to do with it, because
flowing out of that context he says essentially, “Based on everything
I have just said about being imitators of God, modeling the servant heart
of Jesus, and being filled with the Spirit, this is the way you are to live
in every relationship of your life, starting with Christian marriage!”
Notice exactly what he writes. Verse 22 says: “Wives, submit
to your husbands as [you would] to the Lord.” This is the verse where
all the men usually say “Amen” and all the ladies give an elbow.
“Submit” is an alien word in our vocabulary today, and men and women
often understand that word in different ways.
When men hear the word “submit,” the first thing that
comes to their mind is obedience—“You’ll do what I say and
like it!” (It’s funny, that’s never worked with Christi.) But
when women hear the word “submit,” they tend to think more in terms
of having no rights or say in the matter.
Neither of those descriptions fits the biblical understanding
of submission. Submission is not obedience. Paul uses the word for obedience
in 6:1, but that’s in the context of children with their parents. “Children,
obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing
to do” (nlt, italics added). In other words, when your parents tell you
to do something, you are to do it, because you’re a Christian and you’re
doing it as a way to serve the Lord. But there’s no word here about wives
obeying their husbands.
There is also no word here about having no rights, or being
in captivity. There is a word for that in the New Testament (it’s called
slavery), but it’s not found in this passage either.
What is found in this passage is submission.
Submission is serving another person.
Submission is putting another’s needs ahead of your own.
Submission is putting your agenda aside, to look out for the
good of the other person.
Submission is an act of unselfish, giving love.
I guess you could say submission is an expression of agape¯.
One of the reasons these verses have been misunderstood is because
of where people start and stop the passage. The most interesting thing about
verse 22 is that in the Greek translation there is no verb to be found here.
Most Bible translations supply a verb, as they should. That’s why many
translations have the word “submit” in italics. It means that the
word does not appear in the original language.
The verse literally reads: “Wives, to your husbands, as
to the Lord.” The verb “submit” is not there. But our translations
fill in the word, because it’s what we call a transitional phrase, which
means that what is being said is directly connected to what has previously
been said, and is directly connected to what is going to come after it.
Now if you didn’t understand anything I just said, let
me be very clear: Verse 22 cannot exist without verse 21. “Wives, submit
to your husbands” cannot exist without “Submit to one another out
of reverence for Christ.” They are not two sentences; they are one, with
a comma in between. They are intricately connected, and each supports the
other.
(For the balance of this sermon manuscript, go to www.preachersmagazine.org.)
