Printer Friendly VersionIn preparing this message, I have drawn heavily on two excellent
sources. The first is an article by Dr. Paul M. Bassett titled, “Divorce:
Unacceptable, but . . .” It first appeared in the December/January/February
1986-87 issue of Preacher’s Magazine. The second source is Dr.
Alex Deasley’s excellent book, Marriage and Divorce in the Bible and
the Church.
Frank and Esther were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
It was a wonderful event put on by their children. All of their closest friends
were there to congratulate them. It's quite an achievement, fifty years. And
Frank and Esther appeared to be no worse for the wear. They were still healthy
and vibrant - very active in their retirement years.
The only thing that had really changed much was that Frank had
become quite hard of hearing. So after the party was over and everyone had
gone home, Frank and Esther sat on the front porch and reflected on the events
of the day.
Esther turned to Frank and said, "You know honey, after
fifty years you've been tried and true." Frank said, "What'd you
say?" Esther said, "I said after fifty years you've been tried and
true." And Frank responded, "Well frankly dear, after fifty years
I'm kind of tired of you, too!"
Keeping a marriage alive and vibrant is a challenge for ten
years, much less fifty. It is and can be a wonderful blessing but it is also,
without a doubt, a huge commitment and involves some hard work. The kind of
hard work that fewer and fewer people in our world are willing to commit to,
at least not for the long haul.
That fact has never hit me more profoundly than when a couple
planning to be married asked me if they could write their own wedding vows.
I very hesitatingly told them they could write a draft and then we would go
over it together. When they came to the next meeting with their vows, I began
to read them and I was actually quite impressed. They were pretty good. But
then I came to a line that expressed the scope of their commitment to one
another and it said, "As long as we both shall love."
I said, "Oh, there's a typing error here --this says, "As
long as we both shall love." I think it should be "as long as we
both shall live." They said, "Oh no, that's what we want. That other
stuff just isn't realistic anymore."
The standard of life-long commitment has quickly given way to
short-term convenience. When the first no-fault divorce laws hit the books
in California in 1970, a flood-gate was opened that has led to the kind of
statistics we quote today.
Cohabitation has become as common as marriage once was. The
myth is that in living together we can have a more solid foundation for our
marriage. Wrong. The divorce rate for cohabitating couples that become married
soars to 75%.
The stats are so grim that fewer and fewer people will even
consider entering marriage. In 1970 only 9% of men between the ages of 30
and 34 had never been married. Today it's over twenty-five percent. And only
55% of the American adult population is married today, the lowest percentage
ever. What's worse is that those statistics don't even touch the reality of
emotional divorce. The legal divorce rates among Christians are not significantly
different than the culture. But I shudder to think what the realities are
when we talk about emotional divorce. Couples who would never take the legal
steps and feel very self-righteous about it, but emotionally they walked a
long time ago.
When I started this job of pastoring, I never would have imagined
how often I would find myself in divorce court, trying to offer some measure
of support for people who lives are unraveling before their eyes.
It's a cold, heartless process. And if I've learned anything
from watching it, it's this: there are no winners--only losers. And it may
have become something of a cliché in our time, but it is so true, the
biggest losers of all are the children.
Not just small children, but adult children as well. Young children
deal with the feelings of rejection and isolation. They think, "Hey,
if mom and dad can stop loving each other maybe they can stop loving me."
And so often take the blame. "Maybe if I had behaved better this wouldn't
be happening." It impacts adult children in different ways.
Listen to what one adult woman wrote after watching her father
leave a thirty-five year marriage: "I feared that my own marriage had
somehow been contaminated, tainted by something I couldn't control. With my
father's announcement came a sensation of being genetically rearranged--made
heir to a new disease: unfaithfulness."
What has happened? And what are we doing about it? Well obviously,
it is my rather unpleasant task this morning to talk to you about divorce.
I really don't want to do it. There are certainly much more pleasant things
to talk about. But this is an issue we must openly and directly confront in
the church of Jesus Christ.
Do you know, by the way, who in the church is most adamant about
there being strong and bold teaching on the sanctity of marriage? Divorced
persons. Not very many days ago, a man who has been and is still going through
the process said to me, "The church has become far too accepting of divorce."
I know he's right.
Now if you came today hoping that you would leave really feeling
good about life, let me apologize to you right now. I have no intention that
we will leave worship today feeling happy. Don't misunderstand. I want us
to leave with hope and with confidence in the power of the gospel. But I also
intend for us to leave today with a sense of grief over what we have done
to God's beautiful creation called "marriage."
I recognize that many of you have walked this road of divorce.
In fact I've talked with some you in preparation for this message. I hope
you know that my purpose is not to heap false guilt on you today.
This is one of those times when it is critical that we understand
the difference between condemning the sin and condemning hurting and broken
people. I would never intentionally cause hurt to persons who have suffered
the pain of divorce. But I will be painfully truthful about what God's word
says about this epidemic of our time.
There are really two questions that we need to deal with today:
1) what does God say about divorce, and 2) what are we (the church) going
to do about it?
First, what is God word on this difficult subject? The passage
we read together this morning has an interesting context. The Pharisees are
questioning Jesus about divorce, not in order to learn, but in order to trap
him and get him in trouble.
I understand. Talking about divorce seems like a no-win situation.
They were either trying to get him in trouble with Herod by getting him to
publicly condemn divorce (something that got John the Baptist beheaded), or
they were trying to get him trouble with Jewish men who liked their system
of easy divorce.
You see, there were two schools of thought about divorce in
Jesus' time. One school said, "Divorce is acceptable but only for the
cause of an unfaithful wife." (By the way the divorce laws of Jesus time
all had to do with the mans' rights because women had none)
That was the stricter school of thought. But there was another
school that said, "Divorce is the right of a Jewish man for any reason
he deems appropriate. If the woman displeases him, he can put her away."
So the question to Jesus is, "Is it lawful to divorce for
any and every reason?" Now what the Pharisees had in mind here was the
provision in the law of Moses, Deuteronomy 24, for divorce to happen.
They speak of it as a command, looking for the loophole, but
Jesus rightly states that there is nothing in Moses' law explicitly providing
for divorce. Deuteronomy 24 refers to divorce but in no way endorses it. It
recognizes the reality of divorce that was already going on and provides some
guidelines to protect the women from having to live on the streets as beggars.
And Jesus said, "Moses gave you that provision, not because
that's what God designed, but because your hearts were hard." You are
set against God's will.
Then Jesus says to them, "If you really want to know what
God thinks about divorce don't go to Deuteronomy 24 go to Genesis. Let's talk
about what God originally had in mind.
You see “Jesus rejects the already compromised position
of the Pharisees. They had the wrong text! They ask about divorce and quote
a passage that tells them how to do it.”
But Jesus points back to Genesis 1 and 2 and what God originally
created to be the relationship between husband and wives. He shifts the discussion
from what Moses wrote to what God commanded. He moves from divorce to marriage.
The primary concern of the Jews is their rights and what they
can by with. The primary concern of Jesus is the will of God. Not much has
changed has it?
So much of what is written and preached today about the issue
of divorce comes from just that kind of self-willed perspective. What are
my rights here? What can I get away with and still be okay with God?
And one of the biggest culprits in this whole issue is the lie
of our culture that we have bought hook, line, and sinker. It’s the lie
that we somehow have a fundamental right to be happy.
How many times have I heard that one? "I'm just not happy
anymore. I just want to be happy. Surely God doesn't want me to be unhappy."
Who ever told you that you have a fundamental right to happiness?
That's an ideal from the American Constitution, not from God's Word. According
the gospel of Jesus Christ, these are your rights:
The right to die to your self-directed will.
The right to surrender your life completely to him.
The right to lay down your life for another.
The right to lose your life so that you can find it.
The right to bear in your body the marks of Christ and suffer
in the name of Jesus.
Now here's the mystery of the gospel: when you surrender your
selfish will to God and die to your own rights and agenda, this is indeed
where true happiness is found.
You will never be happy as long as you are ordering your life
by the perverted notion that life is all about my comfort, my ease, my pleasure,
my happiness. Stop being duped by this hedonistic culture of ours.
So what happened in Genesis 1 and 2? In chapter one we get one
part of God's ideal: "God created them male and female and united them
in order that they might fulfill a divine command: be fruitful and multiply."
Genesis two gives us the heart principle of the marriage covenant,
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother, and cleave to
his wife and the two shall become one flesh."
It's a wonderful plan. But then we turn to chapter three and
something goes terribly wrong. This man and woman that God had joined, “suddenly
act independently of one another and all hell breaks loose.” They blame
each other for their predicament and they suddenly become ashamed of their
nakedness, the most profound symbol of their unity.
They had been naked and unashamed. Now they tried to hide from
each other and from God. They were now ashamed of their nakedness and embarrassed
with one another. What a change!
They were created for absolute openness. Now they would “mistrust,
veil, conceal, and manipulate appearances.” But look at how God responds.
In Genesis 3:21 God makes garments of skin for Adam and Eve, and he clothes
them.
He does it not as a way of accepting things as they are, but
“in gracious concession to the mess they had made of everything.”
He does not encourage their attempts to hide from one another, but he does
show that they need “protection from each other in the moral chaos that
they have created.”
“There is grace here, but not divine approval.” What
God does is, in his great grace he works around the problem we have created.
In fact much of what we call God's law is his effort to deal redemptively
with our disobedience.
It does not represent his original plan for us. That's what
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Jesus wanted these Pharisees to see. The law of Moses about
divorce, was nothing more than an adaptation that God graciously provided
because of our sin.
The ideal of God is unchanged. What God has joined together should never be
taken apart by man. We need to be absolutely clear: divorce is never the "holy
option." It is never the will of God.
But Jesus makes it clear that while divorce is never the will
of God, it is sometimes permitted as a “divine concession” to the
human hardness of heart.
Dr. Paul Bassett said it well, The only reason God ever allows
divorce “is to keep us from doing our very worst to each other.”
When there are situations of abuse and sinfulness and danger, it may serve
no redemptive purpose for that situation to continue. But while God allows
it, he never approves. In fact, if I can say it this way: he always grieves,
he always cries. Divorce “is not to be seen as making anything necessarily
better. And it makes nothing good.” (Bassett)
The worst that we can ever do as Christians is to exercise the
gracious concession of God to our sinfulness and then somehow call it God's
good will for our lives. We sometimes talk about the "biblical grounds
for divorce" as if God is quickly pleased about divorced if it happens
because of adultery. The truth is there is no biblical ground for divorce.
There is only the acknowledgement of our sinfulness and the profound statement
of God's grace. Don't look for God's approval of your divorce. You won't get
it.
And one of the most dangerous attitudes we can ever have is
trying to hedge our bet ahead of time. Trying to manipulate the scripture
as the Pharisees were doing. Saying, "I'm sure God will forgive me for
what I'm about to do."
There is only one will of God regarding the marriage relationship
and that is that we are to cleave to one another and become one flesh. The
word of God is abundantly clear on this matter. We simply refuse to submit
ourselves to its teaching. Which leads me into the second question: "Where
is the church in all of this?"
As one who represents Christ's church, I am embarrassed to report
these facts to you, but I must. To a large degree, the church has simply become
part of this nation's divorce problem. Over 75% of all marriages are presided
over by a pastor, priest, or rabbi. And yet 50% end in divorce. It doesn't
take a rocket scientist to figure out that a large percentage of the time,
the church has become nothing more than a wedding factory. (see Mike McManus’
book, Marriage Savers).
Part of the problem is that if I refuse to a marry a couple
without pre-marital counseling they can go find a church down the road that
will accommodate them.
But it comes closer to you than that. Do you know that in the past five years
we have had no less than twelve marriages disintegrate right under our noses?
And more that have been on the brink.
What are we doing about it? I do think we're doing a better
job and coming alongside and offering support and help in the aftermath. But
what are doing to prevent this?
I know this: a sermon once in a while on divorce will not cut
it. As a matter of fact, if we are ever going to see any significant difference
happen in helping couples in crisis, then we have to move way beyond what
I as pastor can do.
A group of us sat around in our home a few weeks ago and talked
at length about what we can do as a congregation to go beyond offering marriage
enrichment for basically healthy couples. We need to be ready to come alongside
couples in crisis and make a difference in helping them to work through the
issues they are facing. There are probably a number of options here, but there
are specifically two things that I would love to see happen.
One, we need to have some mature couples with a healthy relationship
who are willing to be equipped and trained to hook up with an engaged couple
before their wedding and work with them all way through their wedding and
through their first year of marriage.
It's called marriage mentoring and it works. It's being tried
and proven in many places across the country. Given the number of couples
that I work with in pre-marital counseling at one time, there is no way that
I can give all of them what they really need.
So I need some mature Christian couples who would commit to
mentor, to guide and help and spend some time with these young couples. I
have the tools available right now to train those kinds of mentor couples.
All I need is some willing people.
The other part of that is that when we are working with couples
in crisis, we need the same kind of ministry to happen. Again, the pastors
are limited in what we can offer simply because of the sheer numbers of persons
we are working with at any given time.
We need more people to be involved in these helping ministries
with us. Now I know some of you are doing that kind of ministry on your own
informally and I thank God for you. But let's be intentional about it and
expand the bounds of this kind of helping ministry. Because here's what I
believe: If we are overwhelmed at the number of couples who are struggling
and talking to us about it, how many are struggling, how many are right on
the edge of giving up and yet they are suffering in silence?
Now our job is not to become a bunch of armchair psychologists.
Our job is to point people back to the truth of God's word. There is power
in the truth of God's word to heal broken and hurting marriages. I've watched
it happen time after time. When we are willing to submit ourselves to the
principles that God designed for marriage, then there is nothing can tear
us apart.
But sometimes we need others to help us get there. We become
so consumed with our own pain and our own disappointment, we lose hope--so
we need Christian bothers and sisters to come alongside and help guide us
back to wholeness.
Folks, I believe that as a congregation we need to declare war
on divorce. We don't just have to give in the way of the world. Jesus Christ
died and was raised again to redeem broken marriages.
And in the cases where we have a Christian spouse and a non-Christian,
we need to become tenacious about praying for that non-believing spouse so
that he or she will surrender their life to Christ and then be able to surrender
their marriage to Christ.
We simply cannot go on as we are. We must not be apathetically accepting of divorce.
We need to have our hearts broken over the condition of marriages
in our church.
We need to be driven to our knees and humble ourselves before
almighty God and cry out to him to heal our families and to heal our marriages.
Will you join me in that kind of prayer? Jesus died so that your marriage wouldn't have to. Jesus was raised again, so that your marriage can also live again
