January 19, 2003

THE MUTUAL MARRIAGE

EPHESIANS 5:21-33

Marriage, as defined by Mr. Webster, has taken some interesting turns over the years. Here are a few examples:

1828 – “A civil and religious contract, instituted by God, binding a man and woman in marital fidelity until death. It is honorable and the bed undefiled (Hebrews 13).”

1975 – “The state of being married; wedlock; the institution whereby men and women are joined in a special kind of social and legal dependence.”

1992 – The following was added to that definition – “An intimate living arrangement without legal sanction; a trial marriage. Any intimate association or union.”

And thus speaks our culture about the evolving definition of marriage. Wherever you turn today the picture of marriage in our society is not pretty. Not when roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. Not when Barna statistics indicate that cohabitation has increased by 443% since 1970. And not when children in the 90’s face at least an even chance of growing up in a single-parent household.

Because of those amazing statistics we are now protecting ourselves against what many in our society believe to be the inevitable failure of marriage in the increasingly popular “prenuptial agreement” (a fancy term for “I’m protecting my assets for when our marriage falls apart”).

Before they say “I DO” more and more couples are negotiating premarital contracts that spell out what they will and won’t do, what they’ll share and won’t share, and what they’ll pay and won’t pay. Prenuptial agreements are now recognized in all fifty states in America and matrimonial attorneys are preparing five times as many today as they were just five years ago. Gail Koff, a partner in the law firm Jacoby & Myers writes: “These couples understand that their marriage is a BUSINESS PROPOSITION.” And so no decision is left undecided beforehand, including the New York City couple who were so determined to divide their expenses equally that their contract stipulated they would split the $3 toll when crossing the George Washington Bridge. There was also the couple that signed on the dotted line over who would take out the garbage and who would wash the dishes.

But business alone does not a marriage make. What our society teaches about marriage is not what the Bible teaches about marriage. And the truth is our culture has so altered our understanding of marriage that it’s difficult at times for us to even read accurately what God’s Word says about marriage. As a result we have tended to project the distortions of our culture into our reading of the Bible, until today even “Christian” marriage finds itself in a confused state.

We need a new definition of marriage beyond Mr. Webster. We need God’s Word to renew and redirect our vision for Christian marriage.

What is God’s plan, God’s definition, God’s ideal for Christian marriage? In Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul provides us with some guiding principles for God’s ideal. But before we can look at verse 21 we have to find out what’s already been talked about in this passage. Let’s look at the sequence.

Paul begins chapter 5 with these words: “Be imitators of God . . . as dearly loved children and live a life of love (agape), just as Christ loved (agape) us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

Paul is wanting us to make clear that our goal as Christians is to live a life of agape, as modeled in Jesus Christ’s self-giving, sacrificial, serving ministry. The remainder of the epistle offers descriptive ways to imitate Jesus Christ in every relationship of our lives.

We are to imitate Christ in the way we treat our brothers and sisters in Christ – in the way husbands treat their wives – in the way wives treat their husbands – in how parents respond to their children – in how children respond to their parents – and in Paul’s culture, even how slaves were to respond to their masters. Every relationship in our lives is to come under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Paul sums it up by saying that the way we do that is by being Christlike to one another!

But Paul also knows that we cannot be “imitators of Christ” by our own grit or determination. He knows we can’t just decide one day: “You know, I think I’ll love my wife like Christ would love her today.” We are unable to do that in our own power, because Jesus Christ has to love them through us!

And that’s why Paul says in verse 18: “Be FILLED with the Spirit.” Who’s Spirit? The Spirit of the living Lord Jesus loving through us.

Paul goes on to describe what the Spirit-filled life looks like in verse 19: “Speaking to one another in grace-filled ways – making music in your heart to the Lord – always giving thanks for everything – and SUBMITTING TO ONE ANOTHER out of reverence for Christ.”

Now let’s stop right there. What is Paul trying to say? We are to be imitators of God by modeling Jesus’ self-giving love (agape). And how are we to do that? By being filled with the Spirit which expresses itself by being people of grace, living a life of gratitude to God, and SUBMITTING to one another out of reverence for Christ.

You say: “What does that have to do with a Christian definition of marriage?” Paul seems to think it has everything to do with it, because flowing out of that context he says: “Based on everything I have just said about being imitators of God, modeling the servant heart of Jesus, and being filled with the Spirit, THIS IS THE WAY YOU ARE TO LIVE IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP OF YOUR LIFE!” Starting with Christian marriage.

Notice exactly what he writes. Verse 22 says: “Wives submit to your husbands as you would to the Lord.”

This is the verse where all the men usually say “Amen” and all the ladies give an elbow. “Submit” is an alien word in our vocabulary today, and men and women often understand that word in different ways.

When men hear the word “submit,” the first thing that comes to their mind is obedience: Kind of like “You’ll do what I say and like it!” (It’s funny, that’s never worked with Christi). But when women hear the word “submit,” they tend to think more in terms of having no rights, or say in the matter.

But neither one of those descriptions fits the biblical understanding of submission. Submission is not obedience. Paul uses the word for obedience in 6:1, but that’s in the context of children with their parents. “Children OBEY your parents in the Lord, for that’s the right thing to do.” In other words, when your parents tell you to do something, you are to do it, because you’re a Christian and you’re doing it as a way to serve the Lord. But there’s no word here about wives obeying their husbands.

There is also no word here about having no rights, or being in captivity. There is a word for that in the New Testament (it’s called slavery) but it’s not found in this passage either.

What is found in this passage is submission.

Submission is serving another person.

Submission is putting another’s needs ahead of your own.

Submission is putting your agenda aside, to look out for the good of the other person.

Submission is an act of unselfish, giving love.

I guess you could say submission is an expression of agape.

One of the reasons these verses have been misunderstood is because of where people start and stop the passage. The most interesting thing about verse 22 is that in the Greek translation there is no verb to be found here. Most Bible translations supply a verb, as they should. That’s why many translations have the word “submit” in italics. It means that the word does not appear in the original language.

The verse literally reads: “Wives, to your husbands, as to the Lord.” The verb “submit” is not there. But our translations fill in the word, because it’s what we call a transitional phrase, which means that what is being said is directly connected to what has previously been said, AND is directly connected to what is going to come after it.

Now if you didn’t understand anything I just said, let me be very clear: Verse 22 cannot exist without verse 21. “Wives submit to your husbands” cannot exist without “Submit to ONE ANOTHER out of reverence to Christ.” They are not two sentences; they are one, with a comma in between. They are intricately connected and each supports the other. Paul does not want us to miss that the foundation of a Christian home is agape, and therefore the genius of a Christian marriage is mutual submission.

A wife must serve her husband, in a spirit of agape looking to his good. And likewise, a husband must serve his wife, in a spirit of agape, putting her needs above his own, and loving her as Christ loved the church.

Jesus Christ laid down his life in absolute service for His Church. Jesus humbled himself, set aside his rights as God, poured himself out in agape fashion, and submitted even to death for the good of His church. Therefore, if we are to be imitators of God, and if our marriages are to model the relationship between Christ and his church, then we are also called to give ourselves to each other in mutual submission and become one flesh.

But somehow we have forgotten that marriage is to be mutual: mutual submission, mutual giving, and mutual loving. In fact, if a person wanted to say that wives are to submit to their husbands, but men are not to submit to their wives, then you would also have to say that husbands have to love their wives, but wives don’t have to love their husbands.

You say: “Why would you assume that?” Because just a few verses later Paul will say: “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church,” but you won’t find a verse that says women ought to love their husbands. You say: “Don’t you believe God wants wives to love their husbands?” Well, of course I do. I believe in mutual love, and so do you. But for the very same reasons, we must also believe that Paul is advocating mutual submission.

That’s also why Paul will begin verse 28 by saying: “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives.” In what same way, Paul? “In the same way I’ve just talked about wives submitting to their husbands.” The entire crux of Christian marriage is founded on verse 21: “Submit to ONE ANOTHER out of reverence for Christ.”

“Out of reverence to Christ.” Did you know that our mutual submission in marriage is ultimately about obedience to God? Paul is introducing a concept here that was a radical reorientation of relationships.

In Paul’s day women were regarded as inferior to men. That was true not only in the pagan world, but in the Jewish world as well. Women were primarily viewed as subordinate to men. All the rights were for men, and all the duties were for women.

But Paul knew the Gospel of Jesus Christ was turning the entire cultural system on its ear. He was saying: “Women are not to be abused and taken advantage of. In Christian relationships husbands are to be mutual in their love and mutual in their submission.

That’s what makes them Christlike.”

But Paul was even going beyond that. He was also saying that now, in Christ, women are to WILLINGLY choose to submit – not because they’re forced to; not because they’re bound by their culture – but because they belong to Christ, and they’re motivated to follow in his serving footsteps and self-giving love.

And likewise husbands are to see their wives in a different way. The husband is to become the head of his wife, as Christ is the head of the church. The question is what does he mean here by “head”? Does he mean the boss? Does he mean the one in charge? The one who calls all the shots?

“As Christ is the head of the church” is the key to understanding the meaning. The word for “head” means “headwaters.” Headwaters are the fresh pure springs that come bubbling out of the ground. They are the source of rivers. Paul is inviting husbands to become the life-giving streams that refresh and purify and nurtures his family.

This is so intriguing to me because Paul is urging husbands to see their wives in a far different way than his culture. It was expected that husbands would love their wives in sexual ways, but up until now nobody had ever suggested husbands should love their wives in agape ways – loving them in selfless, nurturing, serving love. Paul says: “Christian husbands do not TAKE life from their homes – they GIVE life to their homes.”

Some will say to that: “Paul, you need to wake up and smell the coffee. That’s a nice picture of marriage, but that’s not reality.” At the very least, most people today would think that a marriage ought to be 50/50. “I’ll meet him half way if he meets me half way. I’ll do my part, if he does his part. I’ll go 50, but I won’t go 51!”

The problem with that kind of marriage is that we end up playing it by the numbers. We start keeping score. And whenever we come to the point that we say: “I’ve given all I’m going to give until I get a little in return,” then our marriage is being directed by something other than agape.

There are times when a wife cannot give her 50%, and her husband needs to give more than she’s capable of giving in that moment. And there are times when a husband needs to receive and his wife needs to give. That’s called laying down your rights and giving yourself to each other in mutual love. That is also called “as Christ loved the church.” Can’t you just see Jesus saying: “You know, I’ve given this church about all I can give. And unless I start getting a little in return they can forget it.”
A mutual marriage is God’s design. Mutually loving. Mutually giving. Mutually serving. Mutually filled with the Spirit.

I must admit to you that when my wife and I exchanged our wedding vows, I had some pretty unrealistic expectations of what married life would be like. I wasn’t too far off from the young man who ran an ad in the newspaper that read: “If you look like Bo Derek, cook like Julia Child, sing like Dolly Parton, play tennis like Chris Evert, and can make me laugh like Phyllis Diller, then I may be the man for you.”

One creative young woman wrote back: “It must be fate. How else could you describe me so perfectly? I cook like Bo Derek, sing like Julia Child, play tennis like Dolly Parton, am as funny as Chris Evert, and my friends say I look just like Phyllis Diller.”

I wasn’t much different. I assumed my wife had been given to make life easier and more comfortable. But after living with a Christian woman over these past years, I have learned that our marriage is most Christlike when we are living together in mutual love, mutual submission, and mutual care.

There are times when we do experience God’s ideal for our marriage, and there are times when we do not. But inevitably whenever our marriage falls short of God’s dream for it, it is when one of us has put our personal agenda ahead of the other person.

I am learning, with the Apostle Paul, that a Christian marriage is a daily commitment that realizes that the vows made at a flower-lined altar are only as good as those vows made at the altars of everyday life.